I’m sitting here.
Eating some smoked salmon with Kashi crackers, cucumber slices and lemon hummus.
Then, via a series of sudden clicks and taps, I land on Weight.com.
But I let it happen.
I spot a little map that keeps changing colors.
It’s changing colors. Like magic. I respond as if it were a shiny, glittery object, or a cute pair of shoes.
I look closer.
With mouth full, I gasp.
Almost choke, then recover.
What else has changed in this time period?
1985 – 2009.
We’ve had 5 different presidents: Ronald Reagan, George H. W. Bush, William J. Clinton, George W. Bush, Barack Obama.
Republican, Republican, Democrat, Republican, Democrat.
Not that that matters.
The Gulf War happened.
In 1987, a hole was found in the ozone layer.
The Cold War ended.
As of 1988, people could gamble on reservations, according to the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act. Seriously? In 1988 we were using the term “Indian” – really?
In the 1990s book retail chain stores started popping up all over the country.
Then in 1993, a NASA spacecraft went to Mars. So hot.
Clinton applies the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy for the military.
1993 also gave birth to the Internet. World Wide Web. Now lonely people could pretend they weren’t lonely by using AOL chatrooms to talk to strangers that were probably lying about their a/s/l.
Thus began online dating.
1997 was officially the Golden Year, marking the longest prosperity in U.S. History.
Oh, 1996, welfare reform.
1999. The U.S. budget has a surplus. Let’s party!!
2000. Nah, instead let’s start cloning shit. Somebody get me a sheep.
In 2003 Matthew Barney completed the Cremaster Cycle. Yeah, I didn’t know either, so…Wikipedia you have the floor now:
“Nancy Spector has described the Cremaster Cycle (1994–2002) as “a self-enclosed aesthetic system.” The cycle includes the films as well as photographs, drawings, sculptures, and installations the artist produced in conjunction with each episode. Its conceptual departure point is the male cremaster muscle, the primary function of which is to raise and lower the testes in response to temperature.”
China emerges as economic giant. Bad sign kids.
2003. War on Iraq.
2008. Global financial crisis. Recession.
In 2010, CERN scientists trapped anti-matter. Anti-exciting? Yeah, I’m not even going to bother figuring out how that’ll effect me. I’m anti-interested.
But hey, on the bright side the internet and cellphones have officially “revolutionized” communication.
Right? I mean, you don’t even have to stand up and cross a room to answer a telephone.
You don’t have to leave your chair to talk to someone.
Thanks to things like Skype, you don’t even have to put pants on to go to a meeting.
You never have to travel to see someone face to face.
You never have to actual hear their voice to have a conversation with them.
You can transfer money from your bed, or a bench at the park.
You can bag your own groceries without ever talking to a human being.
You can get car insurance, groceries, clothes, home supplies, anything you can think of, without ever. coming. in contact. with. a human. being.
In 1995 there was the OJ thing, then there was the Lewinski thing.
1998. Matthew Shepard. 1999. Columbine.
They finally realized Asbestos is really bad to keep around.
With that and MySpace, you can now reconnect with people from your past that you don’t even like or ever want to talk to again, but someone have a burning need to stalk them and irrationally compare your entire life to them. Starting with your waist size and hairline.
Michael Jackson dies.
Why buy anything printed ever again? The fall of retail book chains brick-and-mortars.
Somewhere in there people stopped buying cassettes and started buying CDs. We’ve tossed all those cumbersome VHS tapes for DVDs, and now we store it all on our iPods/Macs.
Everyone went to digital television and we can all have 999 channels if we really want them.
Can you see where we got fat?
Let me know, I’m going to go eat some Fro-Yo with peanut butter and sprinkles.