“Oh my God, I’ve eaten everything in sight for like two whole days.”
“Are you enceinte?!”
“What?! No! I’m hungry!”
Why is it, that whenever I’m complaining people jump to pregnancy?!
“Ugh, I feel really nauseous right now.”
“Do you think you could be pregnant?”
“I’m sorry, I know I’ve been so cranky and moody lately…”
“Yeah, um, have you tried une teste de grossesse?”
No, no I haven’t because I’m not pregnant. The question is always accompanied by one of two looks. There’s the deer-in-headlights “Holy-shit-could-you-be-pregnant?!” and the “You’re-really-a-friggin-idiot-if-you-can’t-see-that-these-symptoms-spell-PREGGO.” The latter is often followed by the, “How-friggin-hard-is-it-to-use-a-condom!!”
Also, just because I name my food bébé, it doesn’t make it an actual bébé. That’s why I give it a name I hate, because I hate Food Bébé.
What’s a food baby? It’s when you eat too much and your belly expands. The “I need to take these pants off before I pop the button” feeling.
Oh am I digressing? Why do I laugh at you when you ask if I could be pregnant?
Well, you see, in order for a baby to be born, two people who really love each other…or at least wanted to see each other naked…you get it right?
That part there? That has to happen. If it hasn’t happened in oh….longer than you care to admit…then unless it’s the Second Coming of the Lord, there’s no way in Hell I’m pregnant. Granted, that’s also not something I care to SHOUT from the rooftops.
“Hello world! I’m single and currently have no possibility of being with child! Go me!”
I’m not saying that some of my complaints aren’t pregnancy flags. Sure they are, for people that have to worry about those things.
If you are one of those people I found something that may help you.
According to American Pregnancy – it’s a [dot] org, it has to be legit – the signs include:
Missed Menstrual Cycle
Swollen Tender Breasts
Darkening of Areolas
Food Cravings or Aversions
So here’s what’s up. My seins only look swollen, they are actually just naturally huge. I’m tired, because I’ve been running myself ragged for two weeks straight. Those 7am sessions with the personal trainer are killing me. I was nauseous because of a bruised – but not broken – heart. Lovesick – not pregnant. I pee often because I drink a LOT of water. Hey, it’s good for you. I crave chocolate, all the time. This never goes away. Lord only knows what will happen when I actually am pregnant.
Just because I have des gros lolos, and yawned while telling you that I have to pee really bad while simultaneously saying I’d kill someone for a brownie all after downing motrin for the imaginary hernia I got at my training session that morning doesn’t mean I’m pregnant.
It just means I’m alive, and ever so slightly dramatic.
So. Just. Stop. Stop responding to everything complaint with that doe-eyed, “Could you be pregnant?”
It’s giving me a headache…which I hear chocolate can fix…
une teste de grossesse. a pregnancy test.
des gros lolos. big boobs *slang*
In French ‘lolo’ is a kid term for milk. Apparently grown men use this term to refer to breasts.