I don’t care if this is NYC – I’m not Settlin’

I ain’t settling for just getting by

I’ve had enough so so for the rest of my life

Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high

Just enough ain’t enough this time

I ain’t settling for anything less than everything

So, sometimes, I go on dates. I know, I know. You’re shocked. Well, contain yourself and let me tell my story.

So, sometimes, I go on dates. Sometimes these dates go great and result in future dates, or phone calls. But sometimes, things go awry.

I’ve dated the Christian, the Stoner, the Jock, the Musician, the Scholar, the Bartender…ok I’ve dated a few Bartenders.

Each one ended for one reason or another. Ego too big, hands too small…Oh you get your head out of the gutter, it’s just weird if they have small hands, all right. One guy had hands that – I swear on my life – were identical to my friend Jen’s. I mean, identical. All dainty and girly, I could remember sleepovers where we’d paint our nails and when he held his face in his hands, it was just, so, strange looking. All I kept thinking was, “Daaaamn what tiny hands he has.”

My real problem here? I have no idea how to let these guys down.

Seriously. There’s the “just stop answering his texts” or “one word answers, he’ll get the hint.” Then there’s the, “just tell him how you feel” – which sounds all good and fine and easy until you actually have to do it. Then, I chicken out, avoiding phone calls and text messages. It’s the only way I know how – which I suppose would explain the guys that have done that to me.

I usually know, in my gut, when I’m done dating a guy. One guy I warned, made me feel a little better.
“If I stop liking you, I’ll probably just stop talking to you altogether. I won’t answer texts or phone calls.”

About a week later, I realized, this guy, not the guy for me. About a week after that, he realized it too.

I’m a firm believer in this rule of dating: If you already find yourself thinking about how you’re going to change him, turn around, he’s not the guy for you.

Right? I mean, you’re supposed to think someone is perfectly imperfect and love their imperfections. But I don’t love the way his work clothes don’t quite fit him. I don’t love the way he doesn’t iron them. I don’t love the way he is clearly ethnocentric and a little bit of a baby.

Why can’t I fix those things? Because I’m not Suzie Homemaker and I don’t plan on it. Well, all right, to a point I do. I love cooking and baking and decorating – but those are things I can do for myself. I’m sure as hell not going to be ironing his outfits before work and although he could totally use a tailor, it’s not my job to introduce him to one. As for broadening his horizons – this kid has been to college. If he hasn’t been introduced to anthropology and isn’t willing to fly in cheap little airplanes or ride noisy buses for cheap travel through Europe (or America) what fun is he? Seriously.

Then I’m talking with a friend of mine who had a similar, “Ah-ha” moment with a boy she’s dating. Only, she’s wondering if she should go on another date with him.

“Well, this is New York and woman vastly outnumber men…”

All right ladies. Let’s get this straight. Just because the numbers here aren’t so good, doesn’t mean you settle for something less than what you want and just because that balding IT guy was really nice doesn’t mean you have to keep seeing him. If you don’t like him – that’s ok. You aren’t breaking any rules by not going on a second date. Yes, he’s a nice guy and it’ll hurt his feelings – but think of it this way – you may be keeping him from finding the love of his life! Get out of his way! You can’t force sparks and this is 2011 – marriage isn’t about “growing to love” someone. I’m not entirely sure what marriage is about, but I know it’s not that.

I’m not saying don’t give the guy a chance, you never know, maybe he’s your prince charming. But for Pete’s sake, don’t you dare sell yourself short just because “there aren’t that many single guys in NYC.” You want to find one, you have to go out and get it. I don’t care if you’re using Match or EHarmony, or MeetUp or casually walking through the park, or at your local Starbucks. You want a man? You go get it, and none of the settling bullshit because you’re afraid you won’t find anything better.

If he doesn’t make your little heart flutter, doesn’t make you laugh, doesn’t make you feel the way you want to feel – whether that be a strong sexy woman or a giddy schoolgirl (your pick) – then move on. Life is short and there are 6 billion people on this planet (and counting). No settling allowed.

Yeah, that’s right. I believe in love, and romance and all things fluffy and happy. If there’s a man out there that would sit through Pride & Prejudice (Keira Knightley version) with me, all I’d like to say is, “Hi. I’m Bell.”

One thought on “I don’t care if this is NYC – I’m not Settlin’

  1. Yeah, I’m definitely one of those “stop answering texts/calls” people. One guy even left me an angry voicemail when I wouldn’t take his calls. That definitely sealed my disinterest in him. Ha ha.

    But I wholeheartedly agree with not settling. It makes me angry when I see my friends doing this because I know they deserve more than just “so so.”

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